As an interim and change manager, I have guided many projects over the years. There is one experience that profoundly impacted me and taught me important lessons about leadership and personal growth. During an assignment where I was responsible for setting up a central internship office and the digital transformation of student administration, I faced significant resistance to change. This resistance was not only due to the professional changes but also because I was a different type of leader compared to my predecessors.

The environment of change brought the roles of persecutor, rescuer, and victim into the open, both within my team and within myself. This is exactly what Stephen Karpman wrote about in 1968 in his analysis of the drama triangle.

🎭 The drama triangle in action 🎭

During this project, I saw the drama triangle playing out in real-time. Within my team, the roles of persecutor and victim were present a lot which led to me frequently finding myself in the rescuer role. I was constantly trying to motivate my team, solve their problems, and check their work. However, as time went on, I noticed that my, and their, energy was depleting and we did not get out of our slump.

I fell into the rescuer role at work until I eventually exploded started getting frustrated with others, losing my patients and reacting snappy. At home, I would complain and expected my friends and family to feel sorry for me. It drained so much of my energy, but I was determined to achieve the set goals. I kept pulling, trying, and pushing, to the point where I completely exhausted myself.

Although we achieved fantastic results after 18 months and laid a solid foundation for a permanent team, I felt drained. I was proud of what we had accomplished, but I knew I should have approached things differently.

🏆 From drama to winning: awareness and practice 🏆

The transition began with awareness. I started asking myself: who am I as an adult? Who am I as a leader? These questions forced me to dig deep into myself and acknowledge where my old patterns came from. I realized that I couldn’t guide my team effectively because I wasn’t being guided in the necessary steps myself. This was a hard lesson, but one that ultimately made me stronger.

The shift to a winning mindset required:

Standing up for my own needs: I learned to set boundaries and have honest conversations, even when it felt uncomfortable.
Helping when asked, not unsolicited: I discovered the importance of offering help only when requested and leaving responsibility with the other person.
Understanding my role in the dynamics: Instead of blaming others, I learned to reflect on my own behavior and seek help or advice when needed.

🚀 Doing it differently: easier said than done 🚀

Implementing these changes wasn’t easy. It takes time and practice to let go of my old patterns and adopt new ways of working. But by increasing my awareness and actively working on this new approach, I noticed that my energy returned. I no longer felt trapped in the roles of the drama triangle but felt like I was taking control of my own life and work.

Now, a year and a half later, I am still proud of the results we achieved as a team. But more importantly, I am proud of how I have grown as a leader. This experience has shown me how crucial it is to be aware of the dynamics in a team and within myself, and how I can use those insights to work more effectively and sustainably.

Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39-43.

Curious about how you will grow as a leader?

If you recognize yourself in these dynamics, know that change is possible. It starts with awareness and the courage to let go of old patterns. Are you ready to leave the drama triangle behind and work towards a leadership style that does not cost you tons of energy? I am here to guide you on this journey. Let’s explore together how you can elevate your leadership to the next level.

Charlotte Hoekstra
Certified Career Coach, MSc in Organizational Psychology & Change Management

The drama triangle: how awareness transformed my leadership

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